everybody’s always ‘boobs or butts’ but what about cute tummies ok
26.08.2014 - ☾ Reflection ☾
You are the red
Of the blood I love so much
But I don’t shed it anymore
Because of you
You are the undescribeable orange
When the sun kisses the edge
That I fell in love with
To watch in the train
You are the yellow
Of my beloved pen
The one who wrote
All my letters and poems
You are the full green
From the plants that grow
In small corners
Of big abandoned factorys
You are the deep blue
Of my bloodshot eyes
When I look into the mirror to calm myself
After a breakdown
You are the purple
When your deep blue empathy
And my burning red desire
Unite when I’m back in your arms
25.08.2014 - ☾ The last letter before falling ☾
I feel alone.
Not that kind of alone that a hug or the right words or conversations could fix.
And I can’t find a whole sentence or even a word to describe that.
Beside the thing that I KNOW that I’m the one who makes me feel that way.
Inside my heart there’s a bright light that slowly goes out. The big hopes, big plans are losing their meaning.
This little black realist inside me screams in my mind. All the time.
And I’m really glad that I did so good at the last times.
But I should start to think with my other half of the brain.
All my thoughts are colliding and crashing. Until my whole being explodes until there are only little fragments of my old self are left.
I KNOW that I romanticise all my sadness at the end. But I just feel comfort in that.
It’s the only thing I can.
Writing poems no one reads and have thoughts that I can’t tell anyone.
And last, trying to help people I love.
But they aren’t listening anyways. I know it.
So, why am I still trying?
This ‘trying, trying, trying’ is a constant state of my being.
So, here I am, reflecting everything I did, and everyone said to me in my live.
All the things I said to myself when I were at my worst are lies.
Just things and thoughts that everyone says for pretending to be happy.
Deep inside the heart of everyone, there’s light and happiness you said?
Well, where’s mine then?
Too many people stepped or crashed in my life and told me things that aren’t true.
"I will stay."
Well, where are you now?
"I will help you."
Well, why are you dead and I’m at my worst again?
You never truly helped or listenend to me.
The few persons I still held in my heart. The ones who give me this little feeling of not wanting to die when I literally stand on the edge.
They are the ones who broke and hurted me the most.
Where’s the logic?
How were I attracted by being hurt all the time?
Because unconsious I thought I deserve it?
But now, I’m just used to it.
This thougts and memories are intoxicating my mind all day.
Maybe I’m writing this because I’m sad.
Maybe I’m writing this because it’s true. And all the things I found in the last time of my life were just things to pretend to be happy.
Maybe that’s the reason why I end up being sad all the time.
Oh, you. My beloved one.
You’re the one who should grow out of me. Covered in light.
Can’t you be happy for both of us?
Because I only find you in moments when you are sad.
I can’t take your sadness anymore.
It feels like you’re the one who takes my sadness on your shoulders.
So why are getting so close to me?
And open your heart for me?
When you’re not listening to me and my thoughts.
Everything’s so paradox.
I can’t call myself yours.
And can’t call you mine.
So give me answers.
I need answers.
You’re the transparent light that grew inside of me.
The one who shines the brightest.
The only one that still shines.
But it blinds me.
How can you let me think those miserable things?
How can I think so wrong and paradox about us?
You’re there. But I can’t reach your hand.
You’re there and I’m alone.
I guess your heart belongs to someone else.
// Like it always did //
I can’t get up again. Help me.
24.08.2014 - ☾ Still/Fall down and never get back up again II ☾
I ran on the empty streets of my hometown
Hold the hand of my best friend
We weren’t that close at that time, seperated thoughts
Since the day that the sea took you
We laughed, drank, shouted at the stars
One moment dripped, we fell down
I broke down in tears
Frirst, there were tears of happiness
But then the realisation took over
My whole body began to shake, I screamed
Not words, but feelings
My heart broke, I could literally feel the pain of the flood of feelings
My veins dried out